I spent years trying to find the one — then I realised I hadn’t found myself first
It’s 2002. I’m out with my girlfriends — again — at yet another singles event, scanning the room, hoping that this time will be different. We’re all desperate, though we’d never say that word out loud. We want to meet someone who will complete us, rescue us from the quiet ache of being alone, and finally make everything click into place.
Sound familiar?
We tried it all. Speed dating nights. Pubs and clubs. The early, clunky online dating sites that felt vaguely embarrassing to admit you used. And every time, when nothing came of it, that familiar thought crept back in: there must be something wrong with me.
“I would fall for the potential — the qualities I could see in someone that could bring us lasting happiness, if only they’d realise it.”
For a while, I managed to convince myself it was just bad luck. I did meet partners — each relationship lasted around twelve months, and then I’d summon the courage to end things when they didn’t live up to my (entirely unexamined) expectations. And while I’d say “it’s not you, it’s me,” in my head I was thinking the exact opposite.
But somewhere in that pattern, something began to stir. An awareness I couldn’t quite ignore.
I started to see that I was asking people to fit an ideal I had constructed entirely in my imagination. I would see someone’s potential — the version of them that existed only in my head — and fall in love with that instead of the actual person in front of me. I never stopped to ask: do they even want the life I’m inventing for us? Who was I to expect someone to reshape themselves to match my unspoken expectations?
And then came the harder realisation.
I expected my partners to be evolved, baggage-free, emotionally available — while I was quietly dragging around a whole train carriage of my own unexamined patterns, wounds, and beliefs. That was where I needed to start. Not with them. With me.
So I made a decision that felt radical at the time: I hopped off the merry-go-round. I stopped cycling in new people and hoping this one would work out. Instead, I decided to get genuinely curious about myself — to become the kind of person who was happy in her own skin, regardless of relationship status.
WHAT I DISCOVERED I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT MYSELF
The attachment patterns quietly driving every relationship I’d ever been in
What I actually valued — not what I thought I was “supposed” to want
The recurring patterns I kept repeating without realising it
Where my boundaries were (and why I kept abandoning them)
What real confidence felt like from the inside, not performed from the outside
This isn’t a comfortable journey. Sitting still long enough to look at yourself clearly, without blame or self-criticism, takes real courage. But it changes everything.
Because here’s what nobody tells you when you’re scrolling dating apps at midnight feeling quietly hopeless: the tools — the apps, the events, the advice — aren’t the problem. Most of us were simply never taught the relational skills that make genuine connection possible. Understanding your own patterns. Building confidence that doesn’t depend on someone else’s approval. Communicating what you need without fear. Recognising what a healthy connection actually feels like from the inside.
These are learnable skills. And the learning starts with you.
“There is no failure — only feedback. But when you’re putting yourself on the line and your emotions are peaked, it can very much feel like something is wrong with you.”
I know what that feels like. I also know what’s on the other side of it.
Fast forward to 2026, and I’ve dusted off the workshop I originally wrote back in 2002 — originally titled, The Dating Game — and completely reimagined it. Drawing on personal experience, professional training, and decades of learning what actually works, rewiring my internal beliefs, patterns and expectations, I’ve built the guide I wish I’d had when I first started trying to figure all of this out.
If you’re reading this and you’re tired — tired of first dates that fizzle, tired of repeating the same dynamics, tired of feeling like everyone else has cracked some code you can’t find — I want you to hear this:
You’re not broken. You’re not bad at relationships. You haven’t failed.
You just haven’t had the map yet. And that’s exactly what I’m here to help you find.
Ready to stop guessing and step off the relationship merry-go-round? Learn more about the Connection Ready guide and coaching.